Men Without Kids: Their Say

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By DINKlife Journalist Sylvia L

Child-free men, whether they’re DINK “lifers” or waiting until later to have kids, have yet to be the focus of the brazen barrage of attacks their female counterparts have been enduring since the advent of birth control. How do all the men without children get off so easy…or do they?

Whether in magazine articles, blogs, online publications, or in person, women without children are “bingoed” (chastised for not having kids/told why we should have kids—“Oh my god, you’d love it!”) pretty regularly. We’re told - usually indirectly and/or from a safe distance - that we’re cold, we’re freaks, we’re selfish, we’re child-haters, we’re non-nurturers, we’re unnatural, etc.

The insults are actually too absurd to be offensive, so I’ll call them “pesky.” Offensive is the study oft-repeated in the media that women are apparently at higher risk of developing breast cancer if we don’t produce offspring. How’s that for pressure?

And how do all the men without children get off so easy?

Or do they get off easy? I recently saw an article online titled “Childless Men May Face Higher Risk of Heart Disease”…. So, I guess we’re all screwed. At least we’ll die young together.

A survey conducted by author Laura S. Scott, author of Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice, found that men and women’s reasons for choosing blissfully unladen lives are basically the same, and the “why” of it has been covered ad nauseam. So I thought I’d interview a few men who frequent The Childfree Life internet forum about their experiences simply living as men who choose not to have children.

Have they been pressured to use their semen to procreate the same way we’ve been pressured to use our uteri incubate? Have they had difficulty finding a partner? What word comes to mind when asked to imagine having a child in their lives?

(“NOOOOOOO!” was one word.)

I do, of course, ask them why they don’t want children, because the personal answers are far more interesting and relevant than the overarching psychobabble “there-must-be-something-‘off’-deep-within-you” explanations some are desperately seeking.

The men in this interview, ages 26-53, hale from the U.S., Canada, and Australia, and are identified in this article in keeping with their individual preferences. Their answers below may or may not surprise you, but what they unquestionably do is give you a glimpse of the men’s world in a way you haven’t seen it before.

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COMMENTS:

This is such a great article. I am so glad to hear the guys weigh in. For too long the women have been driving the bus so to speak. What ever happened to the male birth control pill? It is amazing to me that in 2011 there are very few options for men in this area. The most manly men in my book are the ones who control their own paternity and I applaud all of you.

Finding a man without kids around my age is like finding a needle in a haystack. Like a lot of women, CF is not a consideration for most men. Why is getting a vasectomy such a big deal? You would think they were being castrated.

Piper P - 2 yearss ago

I really love this article, I think this is something that childfree women don't always think of enough.

I had the same policy when dating after my early twenties - I simply wouldn't date someone who wanted children and unlike the proverb I definitely talked about religion, politics, and future goals on the first date. It upset some men (especially the ones who told me that "But you'd be a great mom"), but such is life and I am now happy married.

I'm also a big fan of Alan's answers.... especially the one about why people HAVE kids. I don't think enough people really think it through all the way in advance - and I'm not talking about "accidents".

Sara A - 2 yearss ago

Thanks Amy S.

You're happy and I'm GREATLY relieved!

Many years ago (when I was in my early twenties), a condom broke and I thought to myself, "There goes my education and becoming a teacher!" Fortunately, nothing happened. Another bullet dodged. That prompted me even more strongly to get a vasectomy.

When you're shootin' blanks, nobody gets hurt! :^)

Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father Emeritus of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
www.nokidding.net; jerry@nokidding.net

Jerry S - 2 yearss ago

Thank you for your honest response Jerry, I'm happy you've never had to be faced with making those decisions outside of the hypothetical.

Amy S - 2 yearss ago

This is to Amy S:

If my girlfriend or wife had gotten pregnant, I would have suggested an abortion or adoption, and supported her as much as possible, as I knew I didn't want to have children, and had had a vasectomy to prevent such accidents from happening. I had seen too many of my friends -- male and female -- have to quit school (high school and university) and take *any* job (but not the job or career they were aspiring to) to try to pay the bills. Most of them were no longer together after a couple of years, and the woman was a single mother (one as young as 17) raising the child on her own.

If she had insisted on keeping the baby, I would probably have told her that she would be on her own, as I didn't want a child and all the responsibilities and limitations -- personal, financial, educational, time, career, energy, etc. -- involved with raising a child.

Fortunately, that situation never arose, so it's all speculative.

Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father Emeritus of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
www.nokidding.net; jerry@nokidding.net

Jerry S - 2 yearss ago

I'm curious as to how these men would respond to an unwanted pregnancy? As in, all protective measures were taken by both parties, yet, something sort of "slipped through" so to speak.

Amy S - 2 yearss ago

There are thousands of childfree couples here on DINKlife. It's all about making the most of this time without kids.

My wife and I are using the "Meet-outs" here to meet others like us, and lovin it. DINKs unite! http://www.dinklife.com/meet-d...

Xander B - 2 yearss ago

There's no need to feel alone in your childfreedom! There are lots of us out there. If you'd like to meet other childfree men and women, and make some new childfree friends, just join or start a NO KIDDING! chapter. It's easy and fun, especially when everyone pitches in.

Visit our website to see if there's a NO KIDDING! chapter near you.

Jerry Steinberg
Founding Non-Father Emeritus of NO KIDDING!
The international social club for childless and childfree couples and singles
www.nokidding.net; jerry@nokidding.net

Jerry S - 2 yearss ago

This is greatness. I love that you're bringing attention to our voice (men) on the subject. Clearly, this is an important issue that has a profound impact on us as well. Yes, we feel the societal pressure, but it feels good to stand our ground and know that we're not alone. Thank you!

Michael H - 2 yearss ago